NEW! FAD! DIET! To Help You Lose Weight GUARANTEED!

Hey, you! Yeah, YOU! FATTY! Are you trying to lose weight? Well, do we have the solution for you! We have this NEW! FAD! DIET! It’s GUARANTEED 100 PERCENT to help you shed those pounds and ensure that you feel 200 percent BETTER about YOUR body image!

Areyou ready? Well, here it goes!

Our secret weight loss method is…

EAT LESS AND EXERCISE MORE!

Yes, it’s the Eat Less, Exercise More Diet Package! For MONTHLY PAYMENTS of $19.99, we’ll show you how YOU can get rid of that unsightly double chin or give you less of a beer belly by cutting the amount of food you eat and doing MORE physical activity!

It’s a radical new method of weight loss that’s NEVER been tried before! Other fad diets will lie and tell you they have a magic pill or some kind of secret formula to help you lose INSTANT weight FAST. But no! We have the only foolproof method to ensure GUARANTEED results!

And the best part is, YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO STOP EATING THE FOODS YOU LOVE!

All you have to do is just eat LESS of it! Have only ONE pizza slice instead of TWO! Save your giant steakhouse dinner for TOMORROW!

And if that’s still not doing it fast enough, you should just MOVE AROUND MORE! Lift weighs, run laps, hell, USE TREADMILLS! Whatever exercise makes YOU feel better about YOUR body!

Now, you may wonder why this isn’t just self-evidently obvious and something you should just do yourself instead of listening to other people tell you everything you need to do short of self-control?

BECAUSE YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY TOO LAZY TO DO ANYTHING FOR YOURSELF, YOU FATTY!

So CALL TODAY and order YOUR Eat Less, Exercise More Diet Package!

[Editor’s note: the above humor may or may not have been influenced by recent achievements in the author’s personal physical health.]

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