The Totally Rad WiiX XboXtreme PSX X-Games
There are plenty of extreme sporting events, but people are much lazier and more attached to their gadgets these days, so what if we had extreme gaming events? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Totally Rad WiiX XboXtreme PSX X-Games.
I’m dead serious here. Wouldn’t it be the best thing ever to have a stadium full of people playing Wii Tennis or Halo 4 for the grand prize? But it can’t just be normal gaming, it has to be extreme gaming.
First off, you’ve gotta have an obstacle course. Let’s say you’re competing in the WiiX tourney. You should have to go through a series of obstacle courses to claim 1) the game disc, 2) the Wiimote, 3) batteries for the Wiimote, and 4) the sensor bar. Then you have to race back to the console, set everything up, and then play your heart out. But here’s the thing: the games can’t be sports games, otherwise we’re right back to extreme sports again, and who’s got time for that.
No, the goals should have to be so patently ridiculous and extreme, it would take you hours to finish. Like, for example, beating Arkham City first. Or finding all the Precursor Orbs in Jak & Daxter. That is some extreme nerding right there.
But you can’t have something this totally extreme and not have a social media element to it, so one of the other competitions should be you have to take selfies with one hand while playing Halo with the other hand. (Yes, I am fully aware it takes two hands to work an Xbox controller well. This is where the extreme part comes in.) And if any of your selfies do not have your full head in the frame, or you lose the game, you fail at life. You are not extreme.
And once we’ve whittled down the eight most extreme players, obviously things will have to be settled with the most extreme game of Tekken ever, in which you can only use one hand to play the game while using the other hand to slap your opponent before you can attack them in the game. If you attack them in the game before you slap them in real life, you lose.
I know this sounds stupid, that’s the whole point of extreme!!!
Editor’s note: This would actually be a horrible idea. Just so we’re clear.