Sell Me Your Opinions

There are plenty of issues on which I have no strong opinions. Sure, there are a few things here and there I’m passionate about, but a lot of the time when I listen to people bitching on TV about what they believe, I think, “Well, I’m not totally convinced, but I can see where you’re coming from.”

This is obviously a problem. The fewer certainties you hold in life, the more likely people are to call you “wishy-washy” or in the “muddled middle.” I’m perfectly fine with my mind not being made up on a number of big issues, but if being strident in my opinions is what it takes to gain respect these days, it’s time to sell everything I believe in to join the “in crowd.”

Which brings me to this grand pitch of mine: sell me your opinions. My mind is like a movie theater screen before the trailers; lots of random things floating around with the reminder that space is still available for sale. So all you need do is pay me a lump sum and––presto––I’ll believe what you believe.

Now, obviously, if I’m going to rent out my lack of opinions, I have to be able to cater to more than one person. It’s going to take a lot of people’s money to get me to, in the words of Apple, think different. For example, you can give me $5 to back you up in an argument about who would win in a fight, the Hulk or the Thing, and I would continue to believe that for the rest of my days, until someone with another opinion on that matter outbids that with $5.01 or more, and then I believe what they want me to believe. (And no, you don’t get your money back.)

But that above example is a pretty cheap and near-worthless opinion. If you want to sway me on a big-ticket political issue like, say, education reform, you’ll need to pony up no less than a million dollars.

And in the end, the people with the most money will end up owning every uncommitted opinion I have, because that’s how opinions should work in modern society.

Editor’s note: Yes, we are aware the satire here could be more subtle. We could give a shit.

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