Immortality Would Suck Balls

Immortality sounds nice, doesn’t it? The ability to live forever is a nice idea. In theory. But we live in a universe where nothing is infinite but the long march of time and the budget of a Michael Bay movie, so if any of us were to become immortal, it would basically suck balls.

One of my favorite depictions of immortality in science fiction is Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series. It’s funny to see someone with that amazing power be so utterly and completely bored by his existence, he’s decided to kill time by insulting every single person in the known universe in alphabetical order.

Aside from boredom, however, here are a few reasons why no one should ever hope to be immortal, even if that immorality means you’ll never age:

  1. No matter how much people try to hide it, there’s always an undercurrent of resentment of the “young” generation at the time from the older generations. So can you imagine all the resentment that will bubble up inside you if you live for thousands of years and are witness to all of the jaw-droppingly horrible trends you prayed would never come to fruition?
  2. When everyone knows you are immortal, they will want to test it, and that’s when you’re going to get shot at, bitten, stabbed, burned, you name it, just so everyone can see if you’re really immortal like everyone says you are. And mind you, being immortal doesn’t mean you won’t feel pain. Because you will. A lot.
  3. We’re assuming here that it’s just one person who’s immortal, which means that as you live forever, you will be the last one left after everyone you care about would pass away. That’s way too much sorrow for one human being to handle.
  4. What happens a ways down the road when the planet can no longer sustain human life? You have two options at that point: become a carbon-based WALL-E, cleaning up the planet day after day, or drift in space for the rest of time.

Like I said: it would suck balls.


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