Welcome to the Nostalgia Channel!
Hello and welcome to the Nostalgia Channel, your 24/7 one-stop shop for everything that makes you nostalgic for the good ol’ days! We’re a new channel, just starting out, and we hope you’ll tune in when we go live this Friday.
What do you have to look forward to? Well, here at the Nostalgia Channel, we have something for everybody. At midnight EST, we start out with a big two-hour Leave It to Beaver marathon. We feel it’s only appropriate to start things off with the absolute apex of televised nostalgia, a longing for a time when men were men, women were women, and children were only considered demons, not full-fledged monsters.
At 2 A.M., we’ll be debuting the first installment of our new documentary series Gosh, That Decade Was Just the Best Decade, Wasn’t It? This first episode is all about the glory days of the 1860s; a time when our nation was in a terrible Civil War and why there were two or three things about that era that will make you wildly nostalgic for it.
We’ll rerun that special for the next few hours until 7 A.M., when we kick off our Nostalgia Newscast with lead anchor Aaron Carter (not that Aaron Carter, but man, remember how big he used to be?). He’ll be sitting down with DJ Jazzy Jeff to talk about what it was like working with Will Smith before he was in hits like Fresh Prince, Men in Black, and After Earth.
And we have a special treat for those of you who don’t skip over the commercials: every single one of our ads are from over 10 years ago! So in one commercial block, you may get a classic Colgate Ajax Foaming Cleanser jingle followed by that awesome Mouse Trap ad and topped off with Jason Alexander singing about the McDLT!
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “If this is all nostalgia, all the time, do you have any original programming?” Oh, you bet your ass we do. Next month we’re debuting Bewitched and Beguiled, a comedy set in the late 1960s about a dysfunctional family that loves gathering around the TV at night to watch Bewitched and learns all its life lessons from the hilarious mishaps of Samantha and Daarrin Stephens. And despite one critic’s claim that it’s “just Bewitched reruns peppered by running commentary from gross stereotypes of what TV executives assume people sounded like in the 60s,” it’s a classic that your whole family is guaranteed to love!
So please, check out the Nostalgia Channel! Because living in the past is a great way to forget about how shitty the present is!