‘If I Could Talk to the Cannibals…’

Editor’s note: For the full effect, listen to this song as you read through.


If I could talk to the cannibals, just imagine it,

Chatting over pots of boiled knee

Imagine taking in a toenail, nibbling on a nostril,

What a neat achievement that would be.


If we could talk to the cannibals, learn their languages,

Maybe take a cannibal degree.

I’d study roasting and preparing, broiling and airing,

Just so long as none of them eat me.


I would indulge in salivated earlobes,

And I would mix in only just the finest snot.

If people ask me, “Do you eat the little toe?”

I’d say, “Surely, though, why not?”


If I mixed in some tanned flaky skin, make it flavorful,

Think of the amazing recipe.

If I could walk with the cannibals, talk with the cannibals,

Eat some stir-fried coc…


Okay, I think you get the idea now.


But seriously, kids, don’t eat other people. It’s immoral, illegal, and just so unhealthy for you.


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