How to Save America (Or, Every Book By a Politician EVER)

The following is an excerpt from an upcoming book about the big issues of the day from that one politician who’s on TV all the time.

If you had told me twenty years ago that I’d be writing a book about my time serving the people from Washington, DC, I would have laughed in your face from the floor of the state legislature where I was at the time. Despite the six consecutive times I attempted to run for Congress and failed before finally succeeding, I never thought I would end up in Washington. And now that I have, it’s just all so overwhelming.

I was born in a small town, so I know a little something about small town values. It’s not popular to say this (and the people who give me money know I’m just joshing), but the elites in Washington don’t understand small-town values. They don’t understand the values that make America great. These are the cities and towns were people like me put their nose to the grindstone and worked every day to better their communities so that one day they could leave it all behind to pursue a career ending in a lucrative lobbying job.

I believe in the goodness and greatness of the American people. Specifically, the American people who agree with me. They are the heart and soul and backbone and urethra of this nation.

There are those who say change is dangerous or un-American. And while I can’t think of any concrete examples right now, I’m sure there must be people who fit this broad stereotype I’ve assigned to them. And these are the people hurting the very foundation of this nation. They are the ones holding back progress by saying things like “This is probably a bad idea” or “I don’t think you’ve actually thought this through and if you pull the trigger it’s going to be a gigantic disaster.” But this is America. We don’t believe in inching towards progress, we believe in big, bold steps towards creating a more perfect union not just for one group of people, but for all groups of people.

Today we find ourselves at a crossroads. There is only one way we can save this nation from this perilous sinkhole, and it happens to align perfectly with my personal political philosophy. We cannot stop now, too much is at stake. And I respect my colleagues on the other side of the aisle with all my heart, but Jesus Christ do they suck. I mean, I would proudly stand beside them on things that everyone agrees on like honoring dead people by naming libraries after them, but God, they are just the worst.

Over the course of the next 286 pages, I am going to share with you my vision for a better America. I hope you join me on this journey; a journey you have already begun by giving me money just so you can learn about my political positions, which you could just as easily do for free on my campaign site. I thank you.

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