A Swift Punch in the Face Day

With this being a holiday season and all, I’ve been thinking about new holidays we need to add to the calendar. And one remarkable constant throughout our lives is that there are always people you interact with who just need to be punched in the face. Whether it’s a sibling driving you up the wall on a near-constant basis, a co-worker with a smug sense of self-entitlement, or just some idiot who cut in front of you at Starbucks, sometimes you just really need to punch someone.

That is why, in order to help all of us release all our pent-up anger with one blow, I propose a new federal holiday: A Swift Punch in the Face Day. Everyone would have the day off (except Walmart employees, again), and no one would render any judgment on your character as you go around just punching people. And the best part: no one gets fired or arrested.

If you’re a member of Congress and there’s this one prick in the opposition you just can’t stand, go nuts. If you’re a journalist and want to take down one of your rivals, you do that thing. (Though in the case of the latter, you’re going to have to aim lower, because rule number one in journalism is no touching of the hair or face.)

I propose we schedule A Swift Punch in the Face Day for every December 30th, so that before we start a whole new year over again, we get to take all our frustrations about the year that was and let it out with one swing of the fist.

Only problem is that the power to create federal holidays rests with Congress, so it may not happen for a while.


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