A Preemptive Apology for Any Offensive I May Commit Against You in the Future

[Ed. note: These days, everyone seems to be offended by everything everyone says, and people ultimately end up apologizing for any offense they meant no matter how many (or few) people were upset by it. So just in case anything I say on this blog in the future offends you in any way, consider this a blanket apology covering all my bases.]

I most sincerely and utterly apologize for what I said. Those comments were not meant in any way to offend, but upon further reflection by myself and my public relations team, I realize what I said was terribly ignorant and therefore offer my sincerest apologies to anyone whose offense was so great, they exercised their right to do what like-minded Americans have done for ages: sending me far more profane sentiments on Twitter.

And I completely agree with the activists who have taken to the airwaves to say that my brief moment of ignorance is clearly indicative of just what kind of morally bankrupt person I really am. There are those who might say true offensiveness lies in actions as opposed to words, since an offensive word cannot bomb a village or physically harm another human being, but these people don’t understand just how much words can hurt.

And just to prove how sorry I am, I am going to engage in dialogue with the people I offended so that none of us are able to move past the horrible comments I made until I have repeatedly spoken to and reminded people of the horrible comments I have made. And I, a fairly non-bigoted human being, will attend sensitivity training so that I may never forget the untold suffering I did unto others.

Once again, I sincerely apologize and hope that we can all move past this in a timely manner.

By the way, did I mention I’m sorry? I feel as though I haven’t made it quite clear yet.

But seriously. I am truly, sincerely sorry.

(P.S. Look for me in the coming weeks to make several hyped-up media appearances discussing just how sorry I really am. Details to follow!)


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: