The Next Great Franchise Reboot: Human Existence

There is a deluge of movie and television franchise rebirths going on in Hollywood right now. Disney is rebooting The Jungle Book and Pete’s Dragon (not to mention Wicked-izing Sleeping Beauty). Total Recall and RoboCop are being remade for the big screen, and the TV networks are currently working on  updated versions of Charmed, Murder She Wrote, and Roots.

But with this Hollywood reboot fever, there is one long-running franchise that I believe should be atop our list of priorities:

I think it’s high time human existence gets its own reboot.

Think about it. Right now we are stuck in a political/sociological/economic rut. American optimism has never been lower, trust between nations is dangerously low, and, more foreboding of all, we may be facing a luxury food shortage.

The earth is our longest-running franchise, and it’s been stuck in a rut for the past few seasons. Right now it seems like the only standout performances are coming from the plants and animals (and Peter Dinklage, he’s great in everything), while the human race has just become an emotionally complex sea of confusion that spend too much time in front of screens to deliver any exciting comic or dramatic moments.

This is why a reboot is in order. No one thought Iron Man would be a good idea for a reboot until they saw how amazing Robert Downey Jr.’s performance was. We need to find the right team to give humanity the reboot it desperately needs, starting with the perfect director.

Well, let’s start out with who we definitely don’t want and then go by process of elimination. We don’t want Michael Bay running humanity; we’d all be dead in a week. Tim Burton would make the earth an exciting place to live, but after a while it’d start to get dull and derivative. Steven Spielberg  or James Cameron would turn the earth into the most visually, technologically stunning planet in the entire universe, but the rest of it would get phoned in. We’re not even going to consider Quentin Tarantino here; do you really want someone enamored with pulp violence to have control over an entire species? And while we’d all love to live on Christopher Nolan’s earth, people would start praising it as the best thing ever and ruin it for the rest of us.

I’d be inclined to go with Joss Whedon; I’m just a little worried if we did, we’d all get vaporized way too soon.

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