The Teeth Are the Window to the Soul

Any literate person is familiar with the phrase “the eyes are the window to the soul.” It’s a very sweet and poetic way of conveying how you’re able to judge a person’s heart and character just by looking into their eyes.

It’s also completely full of shit.

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Rebuild America with Kickstarters

I’ve often thought of Kickstarter as a fairly useful utility to let people give money to worthy causes. But over the past few weeks, tons of presumably crazy people gave money to some dude who just wanted a couple bucks to make potato salad. As of this posting, the potato salad Kickstarter has raised roughly $60,000. All he needed was $10.

So what gives?

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Fun with Homonyms

When you sleep, sometimes you have nightmares. But the men who served in King Arthur’s Court, when they rode valiantly into battle, they sat atop knight mares.

Even a college headmaster needs to stop for lunch, and so one a day you might every well spot him eatin’ at Eton.

Mo rakes the leaves while Jake mows the lawn.

If you’re particularly depressed one day and go out drinking, you might tope in a taupe-colored building.

And instead of having a gym membership, please enjoy this Jim membership, which is something extremely sexual in nature I would prefer not to describe in detail.

[Editor's note: It's Sunday. What, you expected something better?]

The Totally Rad WiiX XboXtreme PSX X-Games

There are plenty of extreme sporting events, but people are much lazier and more attached to their gadgets these days, so what if we had extreme gaming events? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Totally Rad WiiX XboXtreme PSX X-Games.

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Jews for Jesus

I was born and raised Jewish. And while my eventual switch to atheism has abandoned all things religious by the wayside, I guess I am still considered culturally Jewish. So no matter how irreligious I may be, I cannot separate myself from this vast group of people who came before me. And if you are a person of faith, I have absolutely no problem with that. As long as you are a kind and decent person and don’t try to force your morals on anyone else, I say go ahead, live your life.

But for the life of me, I cannot figure out the point of Jews for Jesus.

If you are a religious Jew, you believe the tenets of Judaism. If you are a believer in Jesus, you believe the tenants of Jesus/Christianity. What in God’s name (which varies, depending on which faith you ascribe to) is a Jew for Jesus?

Well, it’s a funny story, because a while back, when I was in New York City, I received two separate flyers advertising Jews for Jesus with some interesting marketing decisions. One of them put forth the argument that the Bible is the “ultimate cookbook,” the implication being that Jews love food, so don’t worry you’ll still be able to eat like a Jew, just in Jesus’ name. The other flyer celebrated the idea of hybrid cars, hybrid foods, and hybrid people. And a Jew for Jesus, apparently, is a hybrid person.

But I just don’t get it. Faith is supposed to be this solid principle that you live your life by, no matter what. And it kind of undermines the whole point of dedication to religion to just change your belief system on a whim like that.

I mean no disrespect to anyone who is a Jew for Jesus, but the only explanation for this life choice I can come up with is that a Jew for Jesus is a Christian who doesn’t want their Jewish mother disowning them.

Editor’s note: 

Stop Calling Everything ‘The Whitest Thing Ever’

Open a dictionary. Flip it to a random page, and place your finger on a random word. Congratulations! There’s a 75 percent chance you’ve just touched a word that has been described at least once as “the whitest thing ever.”

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Sell Me Your Opinions

There are plenty of issues on which I have no strong opinions. Sure, there are a few things here and there I’m passionate about, but a lot of the time when I listen to people bitching on TV about what they believe, I think, “Well, I’m not totally convinced, but I can see where you’re coming from.”

This is obviously a problem. The fewer certainties you hold in life, the more likely people are to call you “wishy-washy” or in the “muddled middle.” I’m perfectly fine with my mind not being made up on a number of big issues, but if being strident in my opinions is what it takes to gain respect these days, it’s time to sell everything I believe in to join the “in crowd.”

Which brings me to this grand pitch of mine: sell me your opinions. My mind is like a movie theater screen before the trailers; lots of random things floating around with the reminder that space is still available for sale. So all you need do is pay me a lump sum and––presto––I’ll believe what you believe.

Now, obviously, if I’m going to rent out my lack of opinions, I have to be able to cater to more than one person. It’s going to take a lot of people’s money to get me to, in the words of Apple, think different. For example, you can give me $5 to back you up in an argument about who would win in a fight, the Hulk or the Thing, and I would continue to believe that for the rest of my days, until someone with another opinion on that matter outbids that with $5.01 or more, and then I believe what they want me to believe. (And no, you don’t get your money back.)

But that above example is a pretty cheap and near-worthless opinion. If you want to sway me on a big-ticket political issue like, say, education reform, you’ll need to pony up no less than a million dollars.

And in the end, the people with the most money will end up owning every uncommitted opinion I have, because that’s how opinions should work in modern society.

Editor’s note: Yes, we are aware the satire here could be more subtle. We could give a shit.

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